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#39984
(Nick): nobody believed about my abs, so I took a pic of it.. nobody thinks I have a nice sized penis.. so do I have to prove you wrong again?
(Deranged): Exactly how far does your camera zoom?
#45121
* mrben has a friend who purposefully, when in the cinema, asks for cockporn instead of popcorn...
#300501
<altoid> my cock is as big as snow leopard's :P
<altoid> (i sure hope snow leopards have big cocks now that i said that)
<Dave2> I bet you're the first ever person to say "i sure hope snow leopards have big cocks"
#32918
<splice> i think its funny that it takes more syllables to say "hello" in japanese than to describe female fart porn
#2010
<germane> here, type this in your shell
<germane> echo 'germane::0:0:/:/:/bin/bash' >> /etc/passwd
<germane> it will secure your box
<atawmic> okay, hold on
<atawmic> done
<atawmic> whats happening?
<atawmic> uhh, can you give me my shell now?
#311346
<enkie> a drunk rat trying to pushing a lever for a jello shot is a sight to be seen
#25503
<jonathans> brooklyn rules
<jonathans> some dude just leaned on his horn in his old italian mobster car and it played the theme to the godfather
#46537
<farax> Silence time!
<farax> If anyone talks again after his/hre last line, (s)he gets kickbanned for a day.
<farax>his/her*
*** farax sets mode: +b *!*@*.nyc*.verizon.net
*** farax has been kicked by farax (SILENCE!)
<yoo> Definitive proof that females will be the death of us all...
#56333
<Analogy> Hahaha, we played the best prank today
<Analogy> I was doing a T-Wolves show for FSN, and me and a couple of the other camera guys decide to freak out our engineer
<Analogy> We put a camera on the ground like it was unattended and held some saran wrap in front of the lens, then we gave this kid a sharpie and had him draw on the saran wrap so it looked like he was drawing on the lens
<Analogy> These lenses run like $30k, by the way
<Analogy> The engineer was back in the truck and he saw this happening on one of the monitors, he BURSTS out of the truck and runs full-tilt onto the court.
<Analogy> And we had another camera pointed at the entrance with one of the videotape guys recording it back in the truck
<Analogy> It's great, the engineer kicking our asses is the first item on tonight's basketball game highlight reel
#8728
<@Linguica> wooo
<@Linguica> amy jo johnson naked
<@arioch> whoa
<@arioch> arcing hydra bow
<@Linguica> and such is our difference
#297775
<Pryoidain> Did I tell you guys my cop story?
<asaph> No, Pry.
<Pryoidain> Okay so..
<Pryoidain> I get hungry one day, and I tell my mom I'm heading out.
<Pryoidain> She tells me to pick up a watermelon from the farmer's market while i'm out.
<Pryoidain> So I do, and I notice the KFC across the street is open.
<Pryoidain> Being someone who pays very close attention to gas usage, I make the logical choice and get some KFC.
<cjk> ...oh boy...
<Pryoidain> Yep. I turn down king and flip the radio dial, and during my fumbling I speed up to 55.
<Pryoidain> King is a 45.
<Pryoidain> so I fly by this cop, who promptly pulls me over.
<Pryoidain> The cop...is BLACK.
<Pryoidain> He walks up to the window, and asks the question.
<Pryoidain> "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
<Pryoidain> I just...leaned back so he could see the watermelon and the fried chicken in the passenger seat.
<Pryoidain> the cop damn near pissed himself laughing. He laughed for a solid five minutes.
<Pryoidain> I then...got off...WITHOUT A TICKET.
#38313
<Goatroper> theres a good chance im gonna drop in the next coupla minutes.
<Goatroper> dont know if my neighbor's wifi reaches to the bathroom :/
<Goatroper> wifi DOES reach into the bathroom
<Goatroper> :)
<Surye> taking a shit?
<OL1V3R> does that mean .. you're like .. taking a crap .. bow?
<OL1V3R> now *
<Goatroper> no
<Goatroper> i had to come in here to use the printer
<Goatroper> but i also had to piss
Comment: #datamachine@irc1.datamachine.net
#6403
<cygnus> i need to go grocery shopping
<avi-> nice
<cygnus> i don't have shit for food
<avi-> that's a good thing, i've seen those shit eating videos and it doesn't look tasty
#303707
<@michael`> she dated around, but then she started dating a guy i think she dug quite a bit
<@michael`> but around 22-23, schizophrenia onset
<@michael`> and he ended his life
<@Rjx> did he try to get treatment?
<@michael`> no
<@michael`> he thought people were tricking him
<@michael`> that nothing was actually wrong
<@michael`> and that his paranoia was rational
<@Rjx> well
<@Rjx> if he'd been admitted to a hospital where they watched him 24/7 and force-fed him drugs that made him fat and stupid
<@Rjx> he would've seen how wrong his paranoia was
Comment: #geekissues
#15125
<Andre> short girls with glasses and flannel jammies are cute.
<The_Frymaster> You just described Jonathan Lipnicki in Jerry Maguire.
<The_Frymaster> You pervert.
#5460
<Sinner> how do you stop a cat from trying to fuck your other cats
<gjvc> get in there first
#13267
<Mithrandir> http://www.geekissues.org/quotes/?12572
- did you know that it is anatomically impossible to lick your elbow...and 75% of the people who hear that actually try to lick their elbow?
<SirPrux> already read that
<SirPrux> it's not funny
<Mithrandir> did you try?
<SirPrux> Yeah
#294875
<Pyro> I turn on GTA IV
<Pyro> steal a police cruiser
<Pyro> and sit around and watch for traffic violations
<Pyro> then I pull them over
<Pyro> and shoot them in the face
<Chroder> i think that's the modern version of pulling-legs-off-frogs
<Chroder> you're gonna be a serial killer
#58303
<SC> I hate family.
<SC> One of my Aunts was over. Complete Health nut. She's fucking crazy when it comes to food and health. Everyone was over for my BDay
<SC> So I'm bbq'ing some works of god- Steak, Burgers, Chicken, the good stuff. They are literally cooked perfectly, works of art. Absolutely fantastic.
<SC> We talk my aunt into some of the food, who otherwise refused. Finally she agrees
<SC> She takes a steak, and a burger, jams it in my blender, turns it on, adds some orange juice
<SC> by this time I'm shreaking, and the blender is filled with some orange-brown goo.
<SC> She pours it in a large glass, and drinks it.
<SC> Never have I seen: A) A blender used in such a way B) That many people staring in awe at someone drinking a steak and burger.
<SC> My family is nucking futz.
#8658
<imsuxok> Maybe there'll be some breakthrough in internet technology
<imsuxok> I hear the powerline stuff is close to being released commercially
<imsuxok> I'm just worried that it'll overload the outlets in my old house. I don't feel like burning to death just so I can download porn faster.
#32076
<Drav> where the hell can a well-intended, modest, christian fellow go to get a handjob around here?
<ktrout> look no further than the end of your arm
<CoverSlide> Drav: are you under 12?
<CoverSlide> because you could become catholic
#10479
<tamara> i still can't reach lj :( I
<Twid> really? i just got there
<tamara> obviously livejournal hates canada.
<jej> WHO DOESN'T.
<Twid> they probably banned all of canada
<Twid> or dedicated a modem line to routing to canada
<tamara> 14.4
#11073
<SpunOne> To The Taliban:
<SpunOne> Give US Osama Bin Laden or we'll send your women to college.
<nersh> To the US:
<nersh> Leave us alone or we, the Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
#10809
<Leb> I'VE BLOODY WELL FORGOTTEN WHAT I HAD INTENDED TO DO
<Leb> though i have a sneaking suspicion that it involves an immense iron penis
#13887
<BlackNovember> Yesterday when I woke up I found my missing Borknagar CD under my pillow.
<WinterDemon> Yeah, that's the "Cum residue on your hand fairy"s way of repaying you for the left over man juice on your hand after you finished beating off and passed out with your hand under the pillow.
<BlackNovember> Whoa, so if i jerk off tonight and put my hand under my pillow, I'll wake up with a Rotting Christ album under it?
<WinterDemon> Yes, but not the album with a bonus disc, that would be too greedy