Random | Latest | Best | Full Site
#56852
Ducky: So here I am, on Google earth, spying on my ex, when she calls.
Ducky: and I’m all freaking out, because I’m thinking that she knows I’m spying on her.
Leila: Dude, you know that Google earth isn’t live right?
Ducky: Shit. Now she thinks I’m stupid and an asshole!
Leila: You TOLD her that you were spying on her?
Ducky: Um… yeah.
Leila: wow, you are stupid.
#26291
<Rodney> damn mom still on ebay
<territory> lol
<territory> ur selling ur mom?
#53824
< withnail> thats another thing, in video games you always have to shoot bosses in the head or the one giant eye or something. i know this wouldn't work in transformers, but just once i'd like to see a game where the commander radios in the information for you to fight the giant monster and it comes through " well sir we've studied him deeply and it would appear his weak spot is right in his testicles, so shoot there repeatedly"
< withnail> i mean just once
#6622
<ScottO> How was your interview, meta?
<nietmeta> it's on monday
<nietmeta> i gotta wait!
<ScottO> How will it be, then?
<nietmeta> it will be awsome
<ScottO> Congrats, then.
#29806
<Kevlor> I finally found out where ugly people come from.
<Jaayy> Where?
<Kevlor> Ugly babies.
<Jaayy> And where do Ugly babies come from?
<Kevlor> Ugly people.
<Jaayy> You realize you're a dumbass right?
#28441
<Skeith> It may be a sin to kill a mockingbird, but it's just stupid to mock a killingbird.
#30486
<[9mm]sircrap> 1shot whats your favorite level in cod
<boognish> level 10 cock of the infinite
<boognish> doh, sorry, wrong window
<boognish> =]
#28353
<pL1> atomic clocks are for wussies... i use the sun to tell the time...
<Blaxthos> sun doesn't sync well
<Blaxthos> with the 8 minute lag and all
#32873
<Alvein> most of my internet knowledge comes from finding porn
#27878
<candle> I think morrowind is the only game where you get rewarded for jumping around the countryside like a retard.
#50726
wietz0r: I got a poem
wietz0r: I wish
wietz0r: I wish
wietz0r: I wish not for a big house
wietz0r: Or a large car
wietz0r: I wish for something small
wietz0r: Possibly with side-bars
wietz0r: I wish
wietz0r: I wish
wietz0r: I wish only one wish
wietz0r: And that is to never ever fucking sneeze in someones face during sex again
BernardBlack: ahahahahhhahahahaha
BernardBlack: "oh god katie, I -=ATCHOO=-"
BernardBlack: now that would be an orgasm and a half
BernardBlack: *sneeze* *sperm* "er, ok2
#68399
TrogL> overnight the janitors turned off the master DO NOT TURN OFF THIS SWITCH switch
TrogL> they routinely ignore the DO NOT ENTER OR WE WILL CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU THROWN OUT OF THE COUNTRY sign
TrogL> one of these nights I'm just gonna stay in the server room overnight with my favourite axe
TrogL> I want them so terrified of even LOOKING at the server room they'll emigrate first
TrogL> I'm finding less and less polite ways of saying 'WHAT PART OF STAY THE FUCK OUT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND'
TrogL> apparently 'DANGER, DO NOT ENTER' doesn't cut it
#23879
Ubie> I'll worry about policies when I get my own intern
#20062
(note! i know the last one i sent you guys was just a copy of what you already had but this one is halarious)
<draito5> 35
<35man> yeah?
<draito5> last night i she dumped me
<draito5> SHE DUMPED ME MAN!!
<35man> Who? Claire?!
<draito5> yea
<35man> Hey listen, I'm really sorry about that, how you holding up?
<draito5> not good bro i nearly killed myself
<35man> awww come on, it can't be that bad.
<draito5> no seriously!!! i was sitting in the bathroom and i
took my razorblade and i was just shaving when i thought, whats the use
and then i seriously started thinking about it
<35man> wow. holy shit. did you end up doin it?
#76863
<Painezor> So I had to hand in this essay the other day
<Painezor> the topic was "The effect of the internet on society"
<Painezor> so I just handed in "I was going to do the essay, then I discovered the internet had porn" on a sheet of A4.
<Painezor> Long story short I don't have to do any more essays.
#38627
<Chaos> omg i was about to kill myself but this rom saved me
<Yutz> Heh
<Yutz> When there are suicidal people in any chat, I'm a dude that's telling them to go for it
<Yutz> Because I'm a bastard
<Chaos> Yutz: Because you're the one rational enough to know they won't do it.
<Chaos> And then if they did, it'd kinda be funny when their head slumps onto the keyboard and they just keep typing "hhhhhhhhhhhhhh" for an hour
#1541
<Delusion> I'm reminded of someone I worked with who was about 35 and who dyed a streak of grey in his hair to look 'distinguished'.
<Delusion> Instead, he looked 'gay'.
#68631
<@reed> Anybody run a Microsoft FTP server?
<@CTho> haha
<@CTho> i did that once
<@CTho> and then I was suddenly hosting warez and no longer in control of my computer
#1059
<blazemore> linux gives good blow jobs
<MadHatter> I thought your moms name was nancy?
#15766
[markel(markel@i.got.shelled.at.shellyeah.org)] do you think if you walked down the street wearing a #unixhelp shirt, someone would eventually kick your ass?
#31328
<marek> rape is such a bad term, lets call it surprise sex!
#40411
<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother fucker
Comment: the funniest thing you will read in a while
#14967
<[Ht]Fro> Here in canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless...it's called winter
#52782
<Twyce_Dailey> ok, i now officially have the coolest cellphone ever
<Twyce_Dailey> i have, for a background, a stopsign with "hammertime" spraypainted across the bottom, for a ringtone, Can't Touch This, and for an SMS alert, M.C. Hammer saying "Stop, Hammertime"
#69572
<Apollo> FUCK!
<Apollo> god damnit, I just copied an entire directory by accident. christ, I hate linux >:(
<Apollo> *sigh* brb, reformatting AGAIN
<Trinexx> wait, why are you reformatting? O_o
<Apollo> oh, i havent figured out how to delete files in linux yet, so I just reformat the harddrive when I need to delete something
<Trinexx> you serious? XD
<Apollo> bbiab.
<Trinexx> just use "rm <filename>" you fucking idiot
** Signoff: Apollo (Quit: Reformatting, AGAIN)
<Trinexx> ... or not :/