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#30106
<@crrj-lunchbreak> ROFLMAO, on the phone with my brother, internet is out at his work, his boss just said, and I heard it, "No internet? No e-mail too?"
<@crrj-lunchbreak> lol, the guy doesn't grok, no internet, no e-mail
* @DM laughs at crrj's brother's boss
<@crrj-lunchbreak> That's okay, we laugh at him too
<@crrj-lunchbreak> I used to work for him
<@crrj-lunchbreak> I watched him fry a HD by putting it circuit board down, power on, onto the chasis of the computer
Comment: And the guy supposedly does computer consulting...
#6259
<KaMeN> I just realized the only reason I would go to narcotics anonymous would be to get hookups for drugs
#122388
<X-Istence> Oh that was just epic. I two girls one cupped my entire family
<lordoden> lmfao
<lordoden> oh god
<lordoden> thats horrible
<X-Istence> The TV is run over DSL right
<ALT_HACK> wow
<X-Istence> so whenever the TV is on (DVR type system, TVoIP)
<X-Istence> the download speeds drop to practically 0
<X-Istence> So I intercepted teh packets, and ran an MPEG 4 stream of 2 girls 1 cup to the DVR
Comment: #nerdgy irc.freenode.net
#52170
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference.
#33214
brihana25: which part of her anatomy did j-lo forget to clothe this year?
fleet: her face
fleet: the ugly bitch
#45946
<sharpi> i got attacked by a group of seagulls on the ferry home today :(
<Bill> ha what happened
<sharpi> i was out on the deck and i noticed these kids were feeding french fries to the seagulls and thought that i'd give it a try
<sharpi> so i go buy some fries and i go out and start feeding them
<sharpi> having a good time until the seagulls that didn't get any got mad or something and started trying to swoop in for my fries so i cover them up and the next thing i know i'm getting shit on by them
<sharpi> it's hard to explain to your wife just how you could manage to come home covered in shit
#11171
<pupkick> i just did my first mouthrinse with the shit i was prescribed.. i've been putting it off because i was worrying about pain like i get with scope and shit.. it was hella easy.. almost even tasted good.. now i can only blame myself for infections and extra swelling =/
<blitzoid> pupkick: You knew the risks when you became a gigalo.
#33543
<TheDarkOfKnight> When I was a seinor in high school we had to make a video and had to have blood packs. The best blood packs are made from condoms.
<TheDarkOfKnight> We had the following on the checkout counter: 1 Box of Trojan Magnum condoms, 2 Bottles of Corn oil, 4 Bottles of red food color, 2 Super 8 video cassettes and 1 Roll of duct tape.
<TheDarkOfKnight> I have never before gotten weirder looks.
#38456
<Random`Inferno> I god a bad unix joke for you
<Nikkou> Aren't they all?
<Random`Inferno> what do you call $cat|tail
<Random`Inferno> a redundancy!
<Nikkou> Half of me is glad I don't get it, the other half wishes I did get it
<Nikkou> I'm a halfling nerd!
<Rarzipace> A nerdling.
Comment: #KeveX on slashnet
#7286
( Comatose ) play dough is the food of kings
( Chino ) play dough is too salty
( Comatose ) but its not as crunchy as crayons
#57733
<FlaVouR> BTW Jewel == a South African Buddy of mine
<pinin> i figured you two knew each other since you are the only ones in the country with internet
<FlaVouR> pinin dont make me set my lion on you
Comment: #geekissues
#8462
<Rafeil> wimberly!
<Rafeil> wesely wimberly. the joke was if kim married him her name would be kimberly wimberly
#6872
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Nova_Zion
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Nova_Zion
TwistedSlinky: See. Channy *really* likes you. But watch out. Now that's he's opped you twice, he's gonna expect you to put out.
#2837
<maff> yoga fire!
<timmo> yoga flame!
<maff> if you were dhalism right now, I bet you'd get stopped in the airport.
#31179
<TheEnigma> If the old game of Truth 'n' Dare gets boring after a while, try intergrating a polygraph machine into it
#24947
-Skandranon- Sorry for this services thing. Some 13-year old never-get-a-date is flooding us again. Perhaps once he realizes there are two types of people (boy people, and girl people) he'll find something else to do. [global message, all replies will be fed to some animal]
#62402
Spfamg24BIG: Can you get blind from looking at pictures of solar eclipses?
#301930
<foley> I went to a convention in Ohio with a few months ago
<foley> got chatting to some girl, she was pretty hot
<foley> kinda into "neo-femenism" and shit, which was a bit of a bummer, but no big deal
<+dEk> sucks
<foley> nah, wasn't like she was a man hater or anything that severe
<foley> anyways, she kept saying "I'm sure I know you from somewhere"
<foley> and I was sure I knew her too but we couldn't figure out where
<foley> about 30 mins later she stopped mid conversation, walked over to the buffet, picked up a glass of water, threw it over me and stormed off
<foley> for no fucking reason, I was like wtf
<+dEk> wtf
<foley> on the drive home I realised where I knew her from
<foley> remember that girl I stalked for like 3 months when I lived in Washington? well guess what, it's a small world.
<+dEk> O_O
#29536
(Zero-Dai): lol.. IRC sex gods
(Zero-Dai): what an oxymoron
Comment: #hyperactive austnet.org
#38044
(StickMutilator) I was stuck in Mario for a long time.........I didn't realise you could jump
#247654
<joseph321> hey guys can i ask a question?
<Stueh> Shoot
<joseph321> my girlfriend hasnt had her period in like 4 months do you think somethings wrong?
<Stueh> Erm ... you sure she's not pregnant?
<joseph321> yeah shes 4 months pregnant
<DanceNigga|Work> You can't be serious
<Stueh> Kid, it's not too late for an abortion, you know that right?
#22075
<DJ> http://www.planetdaikatana.com/
<DJ> heh there's still an active daikatana community
<DOX> i think the term is satanic cult
<DOX> waiting for romero to return in his spaceship and take them to the promised land
#3019
<yossarian> theres a hole in my bucket
<tomg> yossarian: did microsoft make it?
<yossarian> yes, MSBucket
<tomg> have they made a patch for it yet?
<tomg> no, they probably want you to upgrade to Bucket.NET
<yossarian> with what shall i fix it dear microsoft, dear microsoft?
<tomg> well the CBR (common bucket runtime) will have embedded security to prevent leaks
#19794
GOBDOME123: What happened?
TythePope: I called your ass.
GOBDOME123: My ass didn't ring.
#5274
<Gnuspice> shit, you know you've been doing too much SQL when you're at a prompt and do SELECT * FROM /bin;