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#35284
(~mrWoot) I wonder what chairs think all day. Oh shit, here comes another asshole!
Comment: #talk on LCIRC.net
#44967
<SmallKiwi>: my lil stepson has been vomiting at school for the last 2.5 hours
<SmallKiwi>: and i was out getting groceries
<SmallKiwi>: and the only number they called was HOME PHONE
<SmallKiwi>: WTF
<SmallKiwi>: I HAVE CELL PHONE
<SmallKiwi>: THEY HAVE MY CELL #
<SmallKiwi>: They have like 3 emergency contact #'s, anyone of which could've contacted me
<SmallKiwi>: but no
<SmallKiwi>: they call my HOME PHONE ONLY
<SmallKiwi>: FUCKING INCOMPETENT JERKS
<Guyp>: :|
<Guyp>: it's time to prove to your step kids that youre worth a damn
<Guyp>: sometimes that means dying
<Guyp>: sometimes that means killing a whole lot of teachers
Comment: Sin City <3
#1447
<curiosity> I can't wait til' we can directly interface to the brain - that way the voices in my head can talk on IRC.
#300290
<@Vespucci> My five year old just told me that his mom is doing a bad job raising him because he didn't eat his dinner, said a bunch of bad words, and still got ice cream with the other kids. To quote "What the freak is wrong with mom?"
#8357
<Allen_Schezar> Poptarts is kinda like Popstars but with much more punch, flavor and, oh yeah, sex appeal and intelligence :D
#55760
<CtrlAltDestroy> Last week, I was working at Steak 'n Shake
<CtrlAltDestroy> We had a water main break outside, so they shut off the water to our store
<CtrlAltDestroy> We had to shut down the dining room because of a health code
<CtrlAltDestroy> Anyway, during that time, we got a prank call.
<CtrlAltDestroy> This dude calls up and he's like "Hey guys! Is your fountain running?!"
<CtrlAltDestroy> Of course, I had to say "Not right now, we don't have water because of a main break."
<CtrlAltDestroy> Then he just goes "Oh..." *Click*
#38676
<utopian> what's a corny pick up line to pull on a hot asian chick with a quakecon t-shirt
<Moridin_> does this smell like chloroform to you?
Comment: #geekissues
#1557
<Badforyou> Does anyone know where you can buy large, exceptionally strong plastic bags, fake dog poo, sulphuric acid, aroma therapy candles, and a ten pound dead doberman on the internet?
<freekoala> all but the dead dog on amazon.com i bet
<freekoala> you could put together your 'amazon.com' wishlist and send it to people. they will wonder about the theme, but keep them wondering.
#18280
[dozer] if i say what i wanted to say i'd probably get quoted/laughed at so i'm not going to
#13077
corner (19:08:21): how tall is a standard guillotine?
Andrick (19:08:33): This still concerns you?
corner (19:08:39): yeah, I really want to build one
corner (19:08:47): I have short ceilings
corner (19:08:51): I wanna make sure I can keep it in my apt
Andrick (19:09:00): I have to admit that I never have committed that number to memory.
Andrick (19:09:06): But I can tell you they are *tall*.
corner (19:09:15): maybe I can make a kid's version?
Andrick (19:09:30): That is probably a wonderfully poor choice of words.
#56372
<BinGOs> heh anyways this is for an assignment ?
<xaez> yeh, for an assignment
<BinGOs> we used to have printer bins for output at uni. I used to just wait until other people printed their assignments out and got to the printer bins before them.
<BinGOs> work smarter not harder.
#26388
<<< [Lolita!~prada@208.20.58.194] i like putting my pairs of socks
togehter after i wash them, it's like playing mahjong
#208153
(Lime_God) BARREL ROLL. ._. :| .-. |: ._.
(Tony) you're doing it wrong
(Tony) your face is rolling counter-clockwise but the direction of roll represents a clockwise rotation of the body
#310922
<whyrusleeping> last time i went to ikea i left with a bunch of artistic twigs and a different girlfriend
<whyrusleeping> still have the twigs
#16555
<@E-vangelist> are asian masturbation jokes shorter?
#299714
<Tkavil> I have to type up a speech of my life
<Tkavil> about 2 minutes long in french
<DerKapitan> bonjour. bon nombre d'entre vous ne me connaissent pas. Je voudrais partager quelques choses. Je n'ai jamais su quel genre j'ai voulu pour être, ainsi vous pourriez dire que je suis niether. au moins après la chirurgie le mois prochain.
<DerKapitan> there. your speech is written.
<Tkavil> let me translate that
<Tkavil> hello. many of you do not know me. Let me share a few things. I never knew what kind I wanted to be, so you could say I am niether. at least after the surgery next month.
<Tkavil> ......
#5511
*** Moses is now known as Cain
<Cain> oh no I killed my bro
<KeeperS> ...
<KeeperS> what a stirring rendition of the bible
* KeeperS is moved to tears
#16374
(debaser) i bought a mouse today
(debaser) and it didnt have a ball in it
(debaser) i got a neutered mouse.
#307245
<Lastair> japanese cosmo
<Lastair> 10 hot sex tips!
<Lastair> tips 1-10: whimper like you're being raped
#42112
<glasnost> hmm, i've eaten too much chinese food, i'm becoming asian
<glasnost> :-)
<glasnost> :_)
<glasnost> ^_)
<glasnost> ^_^
<blah> also
<blah> 8======D
<blah> 8=====D
<blah> 8====D
<blah> 8===D
#46074
(Bismarck) Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!!
(Bismarck) France is going to house the new nuclear fusion reactor!
(Bismarck) If it suceeds, cheap long term energy. If it fails, BAM! France is gone!
(Bismarck) It's win win!
#36209
[@lsd] i'll bath when IRC finishes
[@lsd] can't be much longer now
#15444
<Mug> ncencence
<Deke> i think you mean unceunceunceunce
<Deke> if you're going to be an unce'ing wanker, at least do it right
<Hiroechan> unce?
<Hiroechan> unf?
<Hiroechan> you aussies have got all sorts of weird noise sounds
<^WaR^Zzz> wtf is unce :)
<Deke> unce is the noise a wog's car makes as it drives past
<Deke> the techno bass beat
<Deke> "unceunceunceunce"
<Deke> nothing like unf
<Hiroechan> heh
<Hiroechan> i was going to suggest: Universal Noise of Cock Eating
<Deke> lmao
#297601
<MmmBacon> When Farah Fawcett got to heaven, and went through the pearly gates, she was greeted by God.
<MmmBacon> "Wow!" exclaimed the Holy Ghost. "We really enjoyed your work here. Especially Charlie's Angels! I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini!"
<MmmBacon> Farah is a little taken aback. "Thank you, Lord..."
<MmmBacon> Jehovah goes on, "Well, I have a special reward for you. I'm prepared to grant you one wish. Have anything in mind?"
<MmmBacon> Not one to act selfish and change God's opinion of her, Farah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish. "I'd like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever."
<MmmBacon> "Done!" exclaims the Heavenly Father. He snaps, and Michael Jackson appears next to Farah.
Comment: ##socialites@freenode
#12897
<Carter> How did you guys used to think babies were made?
<Carter> I thought it was about urine!
<Carter> I thought you had to mix urine, so I peed in this bucket and I tried to get my brother to do the same so that I could have a baby in the bucket