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#4247
[Lord-Data] Id like to know.. Who discovered cows could be milked, and WTF WAS HE DOING!?
#32811
< Mr-Bond> os[Windows XP Professional (5.1 - 2600)] uptime[2days 2hrs 7mins 10secs] cpu[1-AMD , 1999MHz, 256KB (42% Load)] mem[Usage: 443/512MB (86.52%) [|||||||||-]] gfx[RADEON 7200 SERIES ] screen[1024x768 32bit 100Hz]
< Mr-Bond> hate the way that yoke says 1999MHz
< Mr-Bond> its a 2 gig godanmit!
< acous> :)
< acous> it's for tax purposes
< acous> 2 gigs are more expensive to tax
< acous> :)
< Mr-Bond> you serious?
#35233
<J3anyus> sweet jesus i need to get motivated to finish up this semester. there's only 3 weeks left and i just can't get the motivation to go to class or do homework or anything :(
<GeechyAFK> Con someone into giving you a blowjob for every passing grade you receive
<J3anyus> brb, calling mom
#29355
<soylent> Chemical Ali captured
<soylent> i thought they had killed him
<clay> they killed him three times
<clay> he committed suicide once or twice
<clay> He is the king of spades and No. 5 in the deck of cards issued by the military of the 55 most-wanted Iraqis.
<clay> there are 52 cards in a deck
<clay> plus two jokers i guess
<clay> whats the other one
<clay> the little card that tells you how to play two card games
<clay> i wonder who got stuck with that winner
<clay> probably the guy who brought saddam his morning slippers
#953
(Mutiny) I'm talking to my mom online and she just said "i could use a good vibrator. i know you dont want to hear that but a woman has needs"
* Mutiny runs and washes his eyes out with bleach
#1232
<pz> telnet lag reminds me of taking a shit
#13655
<MrCoulomb> ok, i'm taking out the 3 of spades, and reinsert it into a random point
<MrCoulomb> and i assure you, it is random
<MrCoulomb> I'm now shuffling the cards
<MrCoulomb> and it's a real shuffle too
<MrCoulomb> Now.. I cut the deck.
<MrCoulomb> and there is your card
<MrCoulomb> the 3 of spades
<MrCoulomb> found instantly within a randomly shuffled deck
<Mort-Hog> How did you do that?..
#2498
<puppet> a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship
#79435
<Jebus> I stole your wallet though
<Jebus> :D
<pr0tekk> i dont have a wallet anymore
<pr0tekk> it got stolen.
<pr0tekk> wait.
<pr0tekk> ;0
#25582
<IDK> She sure didn't look 15 dancing around in her underwear.
<mothoc> that's probably why your friend was arrested
<IDK> The moral is, beware Russian/Eastern European accents.
<IDK> Apparently, the fall of the Soviet Union caused the world market to be flooded with weapons-grade jailbait.
#38302
<+kirk> I DISCOVERED A STRING OF ASCII CHARACTERS THAT WILL MAKE ALL YOUR COCKS BREAK OUT IN WARTS IF YOU SEE IT
<+kirk> DO WHAT I SAY OR I PRINT IT OUT
» mode/#GNAA [+m] by Pi
» mode/#GNAA [-vo kirk kirk] by Pi
<@Pi> can't print out a damn thing now
#1289
<Wazm> I spent the entire day being normal, now that I'm home, I just want to duct tape fuzzy green pipe cleaners to my head, turn on the strobe, take off my clothes, and IRC.
#78215
<@norman> so, how many dates do you have to go on before it changes from assault to domestic violence
#32943
[WorkDeed] bahahaha
[WorkDeed] I just heard someone say "I measured the thermal conductivity of one of my loogies and..."
[KArmA-] isn't Berkley cool?
Comment: #bifemunix on EFnet
#12088
<DrStrange> i want to be sodomized by lezbians with strap on pickles.
#24096
<whitcomb> hm.
<whitcomb> there were 2 afk's on the other team on the iceworld (cs) server i was just playing on... and maybe 10 people total
<whitcomb> so, after the rest of their team was dead, and I was the only person alive, i spelled out "i am gay" and drew a happy face on the wall with an ak.
<whitcomb> and the next round, I wrote "deja vu".
<whitcomb> but i was getting bored so on the third round I only wrote "sigh."
<whitcomb> it took maybe 3 minutes to write each one
#32456
<+BaD-CoMpAnY> The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
<@Seraph> Then someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
#54387
<Thero> WHAT THE FUCK
<Thero> i just got yelled at for eating ham
<Thero> WHY ARE MY PARENTS PISSED ABOUT ME EATING HAM
<Thero> i didn't eat the ham to begin with
<Neon-azi> did you eat it on a plane?
<Thero> no?
<Neon-azi> did you eat it on a train?
<Thero> ....
<|silicon> did you eat it on a bar?
<wind> did you eat it in a car?
<hydro> did you eat it in a box?
<hydro> OR WITH A FOX?
#37416
<@AlmtyBob> man
<@AlmtyBob> alcoholics take themselves too seriously
<@AlmtyBob> some dude comes up to me wanting to cancel a day off he'd put in
<@AlmtyBob> saying he didn't remember why he put it in the first place, nothing was going on except his one year anniversary of not drinking
<@AlmtyBob> so I said smth like, "Hey! Steve and I are going downtown on Thursday, come down to the bar and we'll celebrate"
<@AlmtyBob> he wasn't amused
<@AlmtyBob> if you can't joke about yourself who can you joke about?
#45946
<sharpi> i got attacked by a group of seagulls on the ferry home today :(
<Bill> ha what happened
<sharpi> i was out on the deck and i noticed these kids were feeding french fries to the seagulls and thought that i'd give it a try
<sharpi> so i go buy some fries and i go out and start feeding them
<sharpi> having a good time until the seagulls that didn't get any got mad or something and started trying to swoop in for my fries so i cover them up and the next thing i know i'm getting shit on by them
<sharpi> it's hard to explain to your wife just how you could manage to come home covered in shit
#52155
homerundude85: i had a dream that i was playing poker with the devil
dackattac: Really?
dackattac: Did you win?
homerundude85: yeah i did
dackattac: Sweet
dackattac: What did you win?
homerundude85: a trip to heaven and a diet soda
dackattac: I knew the devil was somehow associated with aspartame.
#26295
<gwend> my 6 key doesnt work half the time ><
<Kiri> my CTRL key types a ` when i press it
<Kiri> lol
<gwend> lol
<Kiri> and my numpad opens internet explorer
<Kiri> or my computer
<Kiri> depends on which number lol
*** Kiri has quit IRC (Read error: 54 (Connection reset by peer))
<EvilCouch> guess she pushed the wrong number
#71947
<Sceadwian> My ferrets are crunching on food behind my computer desk.
<Shadow_mil> ...
<Shadow_mil> Ummm ferrets
<Shadow_mil> my sister has one
<Sceadwian> At least I hope it's food. If it's a power cord I may suddenly disconnect and have a flameing ball of furr shooting across the room
* Sceadwian has quit (Connection timed out)
Comment: #freenode-social @irc.freenode.net
#30409
<twohitcombo> i finally replaced my gay wireless keyboard that had a laptop style key layout with no keypad
<twohitcombo> and i bought one of those logitech ones with a hojillion buttons that dont work without the drivers
<twohitcombo> but evidently it has a 'fuck everything up' button that works fine with out them
#36485
<everwicked> i can imagine the scene
<everwicked> let the goatse man be named Bob and his wife Alice
<everwicked> Bob: Alice, what are we doing tonight? do you feel like going out?
<everwicked> Alice: I am kind of tired you know, why dont we just chill over here tonight
<everwicked> Alice: maybe just take a few pictures and stuff
<everwicked> Bob: or I could put a baseball up my ass
<everwicked> Alice: that sounds lovely, let's do that.
<everwicked> Bob: OK
<everwicked> i dont want to imagine whats would come next
<everwicked> you may see the story's (happy) ending at goat.cx