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#310721
<jden> i only steal iwatches
<jden> from techdweebs
<jden> i can get real close to them and blend in, then i snatch it from them in line at philz
<jden> boom, $20k watch
<jden> fence it for $1k and you're golden
<jden> 6 of those and you've made rent for the month in sf
#53006
ell: buzz tracker.
Ik: I almost asked what buzz tracker does.
Ik: But then I remembered, I have the internet.
Comment: The student has learned to Google...
#35490
<vice> you remember that asian girl i wanted
<eric`> yeap
<vice> she got suspended for 10 days
<vice> for giving head to some black dude in the hallway
<simon-say> what happened to the guy?
<vice> suspended also
<simon-say> "I got suspended for recieving head"
<vice> she was a good girl too ;\
<vice> oh well
<simon-say> good girls don't blow black guys in the hallways at school
#19798
<D3adlode> http://decoy.iamod.com/badday.jpg
<D3adlode> ...
<Taylor> thanks for that D3adlode
<D3adlode> you're welcome
<MaDCoW[sleep]> ;s
<FaQz0r[zof]> hahah
<Taylor> no really, thanks for showing me the picture of a FUCKING PENIS, while my mum walks in with a drink YOU COMPLETE SHITHEAD, at least provide a damn warning
#280960
Yan: This one time i was at a girlfriend's house
Yan: Spent the night there and everything went well
Yan: It was like 11:30 and we were in her basement and i was tired as hell so i told myself ill nap for like 30 minutes and then leave
Yan: I woke up and it was like 7:30 am. So i wake the girl up, she freaks out and asks why the fuck am i still home. She then tells me to leave and get out quick by the window.
Yan: Great idea except i had this oldschool Datsun 510 track ready that was so fucking loud i couldnt leave with it.
Yan: She wakes her parents up and tells them i slept over and nothing happened bla bla. Her dad comes out of the bedroom.
Yan: This guy is BIG ex military deep voice just plain scary. Looks at me and says "hey come to breakfast with us" i of course just wanna bounce. He insists and says "whats wrong? Had too much desert last night?"
Yan: I don't even know how i left after that.
#13728
<Darth-Phenom> So Sumez...how was Nadine?
<Sumez> Nice
<Sumez> She liked big cocks
<Sumez> And she did oral
<Yolkhead> Luckily you are a big cock then.
#62737
<@D1> I'm reading stephen hawking's website and I can't help to do it in that robot voice
#16636
Doctor_Rohipnol: bad sex is like bad pizza
neo_crashoverride: it comes back to haunt you doc?
beauty_fades_stupid_ls_forever: avoid the crust, doc?
Doctor_Rohipnol: well ya
#7813
* TPEGrunge is away: -(be back in 12 years)- since -(01:54)- pager -(off)-
* TPEGrunge is back: from -(be back in 12 years)- gone -(626wks 1day 6secs)-
#2382
(Pro_Mark) dOkTeR-- i jerked three times today
(tp9com) i think doin it in the morn fuggs u up
(ackbar) its because once youve ejaculated for the day theres no point in even being alive
#52088
<samuraisam> Whats worse than a cold toilet seat? A warm one. It makes you think "why is this toilet warm?". Then you understand that it is warm because..
#30594
<J3anyus> i just received a sign from god that i'm going to get laid at the concert i go to tonight
<J3anyus> i was coming home and decided to check my mail, even though i wasn't expecting anything
<J3anyus> opened it up, and there was a little envelope
<J3anyus> opened that up, inside was a "FREE SAMPLE FROM TROJAN CONDOMS!"
#4356
<teu> I have to admit, when I first suggested anal sex to my girlfriend, she looked at me like I was crazy. I offered to double-wrap, use plenty of AstroGlide, but she was still totally freaked over the idea of it. Then she made a deal with me: If I'd bend over for her strap-on, she'd bend over for me. We take turns taking it up the poop chute, and now we finally feel like our relationship is fully equal
#8094
<Perforator\zzz> my grandma was going thru my room today for some ungodly reason and found some of my gf's clothes she "accidently" left here.
<Perforator\zzz> i'm all, "i like to wear black panties, DAMNIT"
#51854
<Mark> oh yeah. so my roommate got me to sit down and play need for speed underground on the xbox. he thought it would be funny because i was drunk, so i would fuck up, and he would laugh at me. except i ended up doing better and beating a bunch of races i wasnt able to do sober.
<Mark> which means im a better driver when im drunk
<Mark> i just have to find a way to explain that to the police.
#33242
<wild-> Rosie weds longtime girlfriend, slams Bush
<repp0r> ...
<repp0r> :x
<splice> yeah you and rosie make great allies
<repp0r> I had to read that twice to get the joke.
<repp0r> I was actually going to make the joke, but then I realized it had already been done.
<repp0r> wild, in all his CTRL+V greatness, is quite crafty.
Comment: #ramen on EFNet
#13821
<Jonathan> Hey you know what's hard? Trying to move your toes individually!
<Jonathan> I've been practicing though. My left foot's toes are almost completely independent.
<Sumez> gee, Jon, what awaste of time
<Sumez> At least spend your time pulling your penis so it gets longer or something else that's useful
<Jonathan> I have people who do that for me.
#2514
<steve|zzz> i had this dream
<steve|zzz> i was beating off
<steve|zzz> and my penis was circumsised
<steve|zzz> and it was so big i could use 2 hands
<steve|zzz> best dream i ever had
#27872
<uTi|Veridian> my HLTV tops out at about 30 people - then lags like your mom
<cyde> so tell me... if i used my mom in conjunction with your server... could we top 60?
<uTi|Veridian> can your mom handle 30 teenage boys?
<cyde> the question is....can 30 teenage boys....handle my mom?
#30362
<@Drag-oN> twinkie? oO
<@Zeromecha> Twinkie, the only food tough enough to survive a nucular blast
<@Drag-oN> it contains roaches? OO
#28884
<@kingmob> oh, yes, the poor downtrodden welsh.
<@kingmob> you'd think they'd be grateful for the occupiers' gift of vowels.
#300379
<Pryo[Geo110]> Professor: These faults are known as dip slips.
<Pryo[Geo110]> Professor: The dip slip has a slot, called the dip slip keyhole.
<Pryo[Geo110]> Professor: The hanging wall is thrust upwards into the keyhole in the reverse dip slip fault.
<Asaph> That last one is NOT real.
<Pryo[Geo110]> it is, and I swear to god, this is the best class in the history of classes.
<Pryo[Geo110]> A 90 year old man just said "Dip Slip" over 50 times in under 5 minutes, in a completely legitimate scientific lecture. My life is complete.
#18316
<count^> real life is just something the government invented to steal my money
#7039
<DocWebstr> *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*
<Lazarus> Doc, you really gotta quit inhaling all that bullshit; it's not good for you.
#185761
<Brushwell> You know you're gay when your granny knits you a cocksock for christmas
<TR> and then says "you'll grow into it"