Random | Latest | Best | Full Site
#8851
<Grumbledook> my mum told me off for saying fuck in front of her
<bodhi> hmmm
<bodhi> my dad bollocks me for saying piss in the house
<Grumbledook> :P
<dave> my mum told me off for shitting on a plate and putting it in the fridge
#59146
<madman> Perhaps I'm a bit racist.
<madman> This Mexican guy called saying he was interested in the car I was selling, so I give him the directions to my house.
<madman> I see him pull up in his truck, and so I go outside to greet him, guess what I say?
<madman> "Hey Pedro!"
<madman> I'm about to apologize when he says, "How'd you know my name? I didn't even tell you!"
<madman> Talk about lucky.
#30399
* davehartM fries an egg on an AMD
<@Nerf> mmm, fried
* Azhrarn fries his lap on his laptop
<Azhrarn> hrmm, there's an idea
* Azhrarn renames dnetc to eggfrier, runs it at higher priority and flips his laptop over
<Azhrarn> WHO WANTS OMELETES?
Comment: #distributed@irc.distributed.net
#9961
<CWO_LEADER_XPUNK> He wants to be klined, I dont wanna know if thats a sexual thing or what
#27763
HermitKing: So Star Trek fans are Trekkies, and X-files fans are X-philes...
HermitKing: ...what do you call Buffy fans?
Cat1013: Virgins
#52911
<Damian> Ever since my male cat died, my female one won't leave me alone.
<Damian> I think she's lonely without him.
<Ren> I think she just wants to get laid.
<Damian> I think you need to shut the fuck up about my cat.
#247654
<joseph321> hey guys can i ask a question?
<Stueh> Shoot
<joseph321> my girlfriend hasnt had her period in like 4 months do you think somethings wrong?
<Stueh> Erm ... you sure she's not pregnant?
<joseph321> yeah shes 4 months pregnant
<DanceNigga|Work> You can't be serious
<Stueh> Kid, it's not too late for an abortion, you know that right?
#17886
Tom - "Are you using networking cable to pull the sled?"
Dave - "Yea, it's only 10baseT, but it should be fast enough."
#34090
<Drathian> does anyone know how to recover a lost sex drive.........
<PsyMar> yeah,try reformatting
Comment: #zebeth dreamIRC
#7772
<ph^pr0phet> i got kicked in the balls earlier in the summer
<chaowork> ouch
<Booger> hah
<chaowork> by a chick?
<Booger> try to NOT do that
<ph^pr0phet> yea
<ph^pr0phet> heh
<Booger> or wear a nutcup
<chaowork> u need to learn to stand sideways when u hit on em
#43524
*JU5T1CE* says helpful hint #471 - The highest concentration of pickpockets is always your nearest Star Trek Convention as it is a well known fact that 85% of Star Trek fans use 1701 as their ATM pin.
#4476
<Dreq> is there anyway to get the DOS version?
<andy> the dos version of win98?
<Dreq> yes
#35726
<AaD-Marine> YAY
<AaD-Marine> its the 1 year anniversery of my BIOS
<AaD-Marine> it just became 1 year old
<AaD-Marine> happy birth day to you MV85010A.86A.0069.P25
<AaD-Marine> HAPPPY BIRTHDAY
#302835
<Somebody> Who knows, maybe you created AI, and have a bot speaking instead of you.
<fahadsadah> So what if I have?
<fahadsadah> Is that a crime?
<fahadsadah> Are you prejudiced against bots?
<fahadsadah> Brb, oil chang^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hperforming typical human activities
#2241
<notBel> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
#8197
<er0s> you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when i thought i was wrong but was actually right.
#37391
<asdfasdf> You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and is like, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," and does his thing, then he puts the mike down but forgets to turn it off. Then he says, "Man, all I want right now is a blow-job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess goes runnin' up towards the cock-pit to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy in the back of the plane goes, "Don't forget the coffee!"
#29125
<auntbunny> meandthespacebarhadanargumentandnowwearenttalking
#57319
* ozy is now known as ozy[suicide]
<ozy[suicide]> BRB
<Spack> Ozy must be a Buddhist
Comment: #almea on freedomirc
#8329
<a> i wish i had some vr goggles or something
<Loc-Dog> a: for porn?
<a> so nobody could tell i was playing games
<a> games being interactive porn
<Loc-Dog> a: they'd be able to tell when you pulled out the "joystick" to manuever your "character" in the "first person shooter"
<a> Loc-Dog: i use the keyboard.
#6432
<PI^2> my first puter was c-64
<PI^2> I had many nasty games on c-64 :D
<PI^2> like 'fast masturbation' and such :)
<PI^2> that game was soo weird :D
<PI^2> though it had good graphics for a c-64 game :)
#355
<Rapture> I wasn't naked! I had a sock on!
#300635
<Sebas> So my parents have an account on my little brother's laptop so they can use it during the week, when he's not at home. Said account is severely restricted using Parental Control.
<Sebas> Giving an ironic new meaning to the term "Parental control."
#261527
<kuiper> My mom got me a toilet brush for Christmas.
<sic> lmao
<sic> have you been using it?
<kuiper> Well, yeah, but it hasn't been working too well. In fact, I think I may just go back to using paper.
#24127
<Shadow> "Look! Up in the sky! Floating ejaculate!"
<Shadow> "Those are clouds, moron."