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#104432
<GregorR> Gregor's thought process: "I think I'll have a chicken sandwich. Mmm, I should grill some onions for that." *one chicken sandwich later* "Those grilled onions were the best part ... I think I'll just have some grilled onions" *one onion later* "I think I'll go breathe on a friend of mine."
#32459
<chestRcopRpot> i fly a roflcopter and drop lolbombs that cause lollercausts
#18756
<FiZi> I WANT YOU TO CALL ME
<FiZi> JUST SO I CAN SAY "OH HELLO MR. TROLL FAG! YOUR MATURE!" and then hangup on YOU
<WO-Booz> it'd be funny if you actually make spelling errors when you speak, too
#3792
<tomg> I appear to have accidentally learned java
#15654
<Dead_Poets_Society> Phuser has this talent to point out the obvious
<Phuser> Dead_Poets_Society is receiving oral sex from a hamster
#7515
<LadyLegs> i'm anal about what goes into my body
#52170
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference.
#17886
Tom - "Are you using networking cable to pull the sled?"
Dave - "Yea, it's only 10baseT, but it should be fast enough."
#77107
Growly|Work: hahahah i bought an opengl book in russian from ebay
snoops: how'd that work out for ya?
Growly|Work: ... on the shelf
snoops: next to the learn russian book?
Comment: #OCNZ
#6824
<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking "What the hell is this guy doing?"
#34924
<lolboy> she can't hear because of the penisbirds
<@Pi> lol
<@penisfish> they go CAWK
<@penisfish> CAWK CAWK CAWK CAWK CAWK CAWK
#44921
<tinou> i need find a root pass over ssh protocol
<tinou> to get access on my school network
<@Phlip> There's a couple of ways to get the root pass
<@Phlip> (1) Have someone who knows it tell it to you
<@Phlip> Ok, I lied, there's only one way
Comment: # on FreeNode
#300571
<thetooth> you know what makes me angry?
(haro) thetooth, cavities?
#29241
<jjfate> does forking come after spooning?
<Swoozy> No, forking comes before spooning
<Swoozy> You don't have energy to do anything but spoon after fork
<Odat> if you want to fork more than once you quickly learn how neccesary spoons are
<Odat> if you go too long forking without spooning, the woman is liable to work a knife on you
#2171
(Reverend_) i thought i had to shit really bad
(Reverend_) but then i just farted like 3 times, and now i'm all cool
(Reverend_) but my ass is kinda wet and sticky
(Reverend_) any hot chicks, msg me, and we'll talk about it
(Reverend_) share your feelings
#35184
<Blindsight> I am so fucking pissed off at my roomate's dogs
<Blindsight> I walked out in the kitchen and one was rooting through the trash
<Blindsight> I said "cage", and normally they'll go in their cage cause they know their bad
<Blindsight> but the one fucking whore, ran in my room
<Blindsight> I went in my room and was like "CAGE" and it started pissing, I scared it so it pisses
<Blindsight> I was mega pissed
<Blindsight> fucked up the dog and threw him in the cage
<Blindsight> cleaned up the piss then I'm sitting here
<Blindsight> and I hear a pissing noise
<Blindsight> I look over and the other mother fucker is "marking his territory" over the other one's piss!!!
<Blindsight> so I fucked that one up and threw him in the cage
<Blindsight> jesus christ
Comment: #neoturbine on irc.neoturbine.net
#24357
|15:59:22| Mixx: theres nothing to say
hsimah: say stupid stuff
hsimah: "i saw a cat today"
Mixx: i was a pussy today
Mixx: SAW
Mixx: :S
Mixx: yes i transformed into a vagina
#45553
<DosBubba> Growth in confusing graphs on the Internet, 1989-2005:
<DosBubba> =====75
<DosBubba> ========80
<DosBubba> ===========80
<DosBubba> ========75
Comment: #main @ irc.dosbubba.com
#300849
<MunInFull> So I've got an mp3 of Biggie's Mesmerize as my ringtone? I was at a bodega buying tamales this morning, it went off, and this little cholo thug just started dancing in line, told me to keep that bitch waiting because this was a good song. Afterwards, we fistbumped. I felt ethnic.
#31211
<gorilla> if i added up all the penis enlargement emails i have, i would be entitled to, with a money back guarantee, a 14 foot 9 inch penis
Comment: #gtaforums @ irc.mikernet.org
#26287
<stormo> im watching the best movie atm..
<Aurian> why is it so good??
<stormo> any film where a clown fingerfucks a nun has got to be good
<Aurian> okay, i now consider myself lucky for not watching it
<Aurian> isn't it meant to be about ninjas???
<stormo> now they're having actual sex
<stormo> yeah
<stormo> the nun is a ninja in disguise
<Aurian> ahh
<Aurian> and who's the clown?
<stormo> another ninja
<stormo> look, i'm not watching this film for it's complex and involved plot
#41354
<Steppenwolf> DNA = National Dyslexic Association
<Toughie> Steppenwolf, thats NDA
<Toughie> o.....rite....
#29246
<outlawpoet> building your own girlfriend is not masturbation unless you can accurately predict her actions
#295905
<Mario> Shooter: I eat pieces of *cake* like you for breakfast.
<Mario> Happy: You eat pieces of *cake* for breakfast?
<Mario> Shooter: ...no.
<Mario> god I hate censorship
#26322
<Derek> i got gforce 2 ti 64 meg tv out :D
<Death_Mageorz> oooh
<Death_Mageorz> i want a tv out
<Death_Mageorz> so bad
<Death_Mageorz> so i can record shows