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#18827
<FrostyGunna> i took a 0 second dump
<Fozzie|TeamUSA> me too
<Fozzie|TeamUSA> one time i had to poo real bad, sat down, and sneezed
<Fozzie|TeamUSA> and it just like... rocketed out.
<Fozzie|TeamUSA> like fast like speed
<FrostyGunna> i got splash back
<Fozzie|TeamUSA> dude, it was like orbital reentry
<Fozzie|TeamUSA> you have nothing on me
#24174
<Gnell|CHAMPION> OMG A DONKEY JUST WENT BY OUTSIDE MY HOUSE
<Gnell|CHAMPION> i wanna ride it
* Gnell|CHAMPION is away
#3079
<DAL9000> being alone sucks... i want to stab someone in the eye, but alas, noone is there.
#15903
<HeatDeath> You should take care of your nipples. They may not seem important
now, but when you die, that's where the angels grab you.
#32500
<grommet> what the fuck am I doing in this IRc??!!
<grommet> i could be hooking up with the hottest german girl right now
<rob> really?
<grommet> well....no
<grommet> but i could be fantasizing about it
#11876
<[BDT]Karma> put the chicken mushroom [ramen] outside
<[BDT]Karma> and wait with a club
<[BDT]Karma> maybe a squirrel will come by
<[BDT]Karma> and you will have food for another day
#299822
<^Migs^> something really weird happened to me last night
<^Migs^> So I'm just sitting up in my room, right? It's about 11:30, I'm on my laptop, and the doorbell rings.
<^Migs^> I'm like, wtf, but figure it must be a neighbor returning my cat or something dumb like that.
<^Migs^> So I answer the door, and this mentally handicapped kid just barges in.
<^Migs^> He's about 13 or so, and he's just frantically looking around. He tells me I have a nice house, wants something to eat, says he returned my cat, then gets distracted by something in the kitchen, all within about 5 seconds. The kid has an attention span of about 3 seconds.
<^Migs^> I actually recognized him from church. He has some sort of palsy, but I couldn't remember his name, so I have no way to contact his parents, and I don't have a clue where he lives.
<^Migs^> Meanwhile, the kid is just tearing through my house, asking me about everything he sees. He offers to clean my family room, turns on my wife's laptop, plays with the baby toys, asks about the Wii...just anything you can imagine.
<Biff> how did he find you?
<^Migs^> I was just the random house he picked.
<^Migs^> It took a lot of convincing and keeping him focused. But finally I get him to call his sister on the phone. He refused to call his mom, because "she was asleep" but I guess his sister was okay.
<^Migs^> So I get his sister on the phone, and get an address from her, and tell them I'll drive him home.
<Biff> he was that far from home that you had to drive him?
<^Migs^> Well, I open the garage door, and try to coax him into my car. He gets all upset over this, and says he'll just go to some other house.
<^Migs^> He was about 6 blocks from home.
<^Migs^> Anyway, he bolts out the door, and starts running down the street. So I get in my car to chase after him.
<^Migs^> Fortunately, the police were out searching the neighborhood for him, too, and they managed to catch him down at the corner, so I didn't have to go very far.
<^Migs^> They called his mom and told her where we were, so we all just hung out and waited. Apparently, it's not the first time he's done this, since the cops knew him quite well.
<^Migs^> The family locks the doors and stuff, but this time he got out through the doggy door.
<^Migs^> Best. Facebook status update. Ever.
#298906
<vartopia> you're not an alcoholic til you're drinking nail polish and listerine
<vartopia> that you shoplifted
#1905
<Fustard> oh good god
<Fustard> i was just thinking of something to myself
<Fustard> and out loud i said
<Fustard> 'laugh out loud'
<Fustard> instead of actually laughing.
#26295
<gwend> my 6 key doesnt work half the time ><
<Kiri> my CTRL key types a ` when i press it
<Kiri> lol
<gwend> lol
<Kiri> and my numpad opens internet explorer
<Kiri> or my computer
<Kiri> depends on which number lol
*** Kiri has quit IRC (Read error: 54 (Connection reset by peer))
<EvilCouch> guess she pushed the wrong number
#48078
<Ginman> im against picketing, but i dont know how to show it
Comment: #wpi
#34139
<Valeria> This is my computer. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My computer is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life.
<Valeria> Without me my computer is useless. Without my computer, I am useless. I must use my computer well. I must K-Line faster than my enemy who is trying to K-Line me.
<Valeria> I must pwn him before he pwns me. I will. Before God I swear this creed. My computer and myself are defenders of my server. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviours of my life. So be it .. . until there is no enemy ... but Microsoft. Amen.
#297780
<kylierenea> I have the COOLEST teacher in my substance abuse class!
<kylierenea> I was in my substance abuse class today
<kylierenea> we were on the topic of marijuana
<kylierenea> and she started telling this story...
<kylierenea> she said "one day i was pulling weeds from my garden"
<kylierenea> and she's this really nice, old lady too..
<kylierenea> and she says "while I'm pulling weeds i see this small plant.."
<kylierenea> "and i think to myself, this looks like marijuana"
<kylierenea> "so i bring it up to my nose and smell it and i'm like.."
<kylierenea> "this SMELLS like marijuana..."
<kylierenea> then she says "so i take it inside, grind it, roll it, and smoke it"
<kylierenea> "and I'm like, 'this IS marijuana!"
#49809
LittleBunny32: the girl you showed me on okcupid.com has the six things she could never do without as: Sex, love, music, movies, dildo, water and air
RenaissanceGamer: i never did like people on this that took it THAT literatly
RenaissanceGamer: because food would have to be up there too
LittleBunny32: haha I'd put like oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, phosphorus, sodium, potassium
RenaissanceGamer: i have always been partial to those six myself
Comment: My friend says, "You forgot nitrogen! You'd be totally FUCKED!"
#5625
<Veen> if someone said they were 50% gay, would that probably insinuate that they are bi?
<quatoria> It would insinuate they want you to blow them.
#39007
< isaac> If a liblog-log4per-perl perl log package can log ...
< isaac> how many logs can log a liblog-log4-perl-perl perl log packagE?
#1387
<Squizzle> BIONIC PENIS BEAMS.
<JDigital> Or 'sperm', as they're more commonly known.
#22136
<cam[work]> "The weight of the cookie is projected to reach 40,000 pounds or, as Immaculate Baking Co. again points out, the same weight as four elephants or one 40,000-pound bag of feathers."
<Uther> is that a session cookie?
<cam[work]> yes
<cam[work]> a 40,000lb session cookie
#7171
::Sathane.. I am wlasys sober
::Sathane.. excpet when I dirnk
#2428
<Snag> *beep*beep*
<Steil> snag you set off the gaydar again didnt you???
<Snag> funny
<Snag> :|
#29914
<LEitW> Hmm, if Arnold wins the election, will he remember it tomorrow?
<Orca> He'll probably grope somebody nearby in celebration...
<LEitW> That's a given
<SuperXdude> if he loses, will he say "I'll be back..."?
#77069
<Parable> Just because I fucked a girl twice doesn't mean I'm hetero! ;_;
<Jetta> Parable, thats twice more than a few in here
#2183
<kisama> you guys are lightweight nosepickers
<kisama> i get bloody mucus sometimes
<kisama> have to break out the guaifenesin
<kisama> or insufflate salt water
<McMoo> man
<McMoo> don't even talk shit about my nose
<McMoo> i can get quarters up it horizontally
<McMoo> my record is 8 pennies in one nostril
<kisama> circus freak
#25640
<pvah> when i got my cable modem.......i had to get rid of about 4 friends in order to manage my time
#19506
<jwz> I think the world is full of tattoo artists who did not learn the lesson that spiderman tried to teach us
<jwz> "with great power comes great responsibility"