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#42253
<+turkey> all i do these days is stick my penis in my vcr, hoping that it'll give birth to a dvd player.
Comment: #maddox
#68041
<bubba> don't they have laws against lying in advertising?
<bubba> this coax cable i just bought says "Connects satellite and digital cable sources with no signal loss"
<glasnost> "Comes with complementary 'Fuck you, second law of thermodynamics' bumper sticker"
#220694
<@r0cko> i think im getting to old for video games, I was playing NCAA and my fucking moron QB fumbled on the last play of the game that would have been a touchdown and won the game for me, so I take the controller and slam one of the corners on my desk and it exploded into about 50 pieces, when I was a kid I was never strong enough to break shit...damn
#38633
<Ghost> go blow your own trumpet :p
<heinz> ;)
<heinz> thats a physical impossibility!
<Talin> Not true!
<heinz> (I don't own a trumpet)
<Talin> :
<Talin> owned.
#35764
<chem> god
<chem> I asked this guy
<chem> to take a picture of his "drug stash"
<chem> so he sneds to me on AIM
<chem> AND HE SENDS ME 3 PICTURES OF HIS FUCKING DICK
<chem> jesus fucking christ
<chem> X.X
<soulbleed> hahaha
#31801
<Chiffy> hah
<Chiffy> I was at a local skateboard shop with my mom
<Chiffy> and I look up and see a deck with a picture of a drunk mexican screwing a crocodile and I laugh
<Chiffy> she looks up
<Chiffy> and mentions something like 'oh animal planet crocodile guy'
<Chiffy> it took about 5 seconds for her to go 'uh, wait'
#52170
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference.
#32204
<McBatt> I loved that cailis commercial durring the super bowl, too. Anyone see that? :D
<McBatt> Here's a brief summary: Is your dick not working right? Use Cialis so you'll be ready to fuck anytime within 36 hours after you take it. Side effects may include erections that last FOREVER!!!
<Tarvuz> that would not be good
<McBatt> well, duh
<heap> better then the side effects of olestra
<heap> i'd rather have permawood then anal leakage
<Tarvuz> with permawood you could cause anal leakage in others
<McBatt> hahahahaha
Comment: #fark on irvingnet
#8645
<dr_rotcod> if my computer were human it'd be a limbless retard
#6281
<sylwia> Everything from this point on is dependant on you being able to relax your anus
#309716
<LAMMJohnson> So here's my point;
<MarisaKirisame> that's a semicolon
Comment: #/g/sicp on irc.rizon.net
#954
(@Asimov) bah, i've got a life
(@Asimov) i just dont let it interfere with my irc :)
#7541
< FuzzyKaos > oh oh guess what i got today!!??
< Zooz > Fuzzy - Herpes? :)
#301761
<Reunech> So I take this physics test, my midterm if I'm correct, and I did alright. The last question, however, was a bitch. I spent more than half the test on it and by the end I had this ridiculously convoluted equation and was looking at a big fat zero out of five for that question. Which would suck.
<Reunech> At this point I figure: "Fuck it, I'm gonna get it wrong anyway."
<Reunech> So I underline it, write "this is very wrong" and then draw an arrow, just to be safe.
<Reunech> I get the midterm back with the comment "Its good to know when you're wrong," and only two points off.
<Reunech> I did better than my friend who studied for three days.
<Reunech> By three points.
Comment: He hit me.
#8375
<AsylumXKP> Yeah no advertising. (This message was brought to by ANALSEX.COM! ALL ANAL ALL THE TIME!)
#32811
< Mr-Bond> os[Windows XP Professional (5.1 - 2600)] uptime[2days 2hrs 7mins 10secs] cpu[1-AMD , 1999MHz, 256KB (42% Load)] mem[Usage: 443/512MB (86.52%) [|||||||||-]] gfx[RADEON 7200 SERIES ] screen[1024x768 32bit 100Hz]
< Mr-Bond> hate the way that yoke says 1999MHz
< Mr-Bond> its a 2 gig godanmit!
< acous> :)
< acous> it's for tax purposes
< acous> 2 gigs are more expensive to tax
< acous> :)
< Mr-Bond> you serious?
#20304
<b1u3> boy youd think after all the years of internet porn you'd know how to tie a girl up like they do in those hentai bondage movies
#123732
zombiegutsxx: so what you up to?
sammahxcore: ah just opened up my trading account
sammahxcore: about to hit up the stock market
zombiegutsxx: ORLY?
zombiegutsxx: why?
sammahxcore: to make money :P
zombiegutsxx: yeah i know but isnt there a lot of risk?
sammahxcore: only if you suck at trading
sammahxcore: and i played pokemon for 4 years so i'm covered
#49246
<sensel> check this out in google earth
<sensel> 0 16'06.63"s 90 50'44.09"W
<sensel> looks like 2 atomic bombs dropped on galapagos islands
<DaveB> or volcanoes, as geologists would call them
#1341
<SPD-DMN> i wanna get a 6.5L turbo-diesel and like.. put it into a honda accord
<SPD-DMN> or is that.. put a honda accord into a 6.5L turbo-diesel?
#39247
· · Quit : Surreal [ ximaginary@66.187.166.5 ]
· · Joins : Surreal [ ximaginary@66.187.166.5 ]
[ Surreal ] omg -_-
[ Surreal ] My mom scared the cat and the cat tripped over my master switch for my computer
#1741
<Zaratustra> Pagan pacman goes WICCA WICCA WICCA WICCA
<Zaratustra> HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW
<MightyQuinn> hmmm. more ammo for ultra conservative christians to use against video gomes... "Pacman promotes satanism"
<Zaratustra> Pacman promotes consumption of undead.
#37043
<JavaGeek> your new g/f is an inmate?
<pr3d4t0r> Yeah. I figured I'd live more dangerously now.
<JavaGeek> mmm.. it doesn't say why she's incarcerated
<pr3d4t0r> Nothing adds to the thrill of sex like wondering "was she in the Big House for whacking her ex-b/f?"
#310025
<SpaceWizard> 2 + 2 = FISH!
<AaronBallman> oh, fish....
<AaronBallman> so in a past life
<AaronBallman> a few past lives ago
<AaronBallman> we had a customer send us a bug report
<AaronBallman> which included his source code. He asked us very kindly not to distribute the source code, yada yada, since it was his bread and butter
<AaronBallman> so we're looking through it, trying to repro his issue (he didn't reduce his test case at all)
<AaronBallman> and we noticed a function called decryptPassword or something along those lines, so we checked it out.
<SpaceWizard> oh boy.
<AaronBallman> in his function there was a comment, and some code, which verified that the password was not "fish" because for whatever reason, that totally broke his "encryption" scheme
<AaronBallman> Nope: // The password cannot be fish
#3352
<dr\gonzo> i'd rather cut off my own penis than run linux
<dr\gonzo> running linux screams I fuck ugly chicks