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#300818
<Crispy`> my friend is making my other friend's girlfriend rage on facebook by arguing with her about how Twilight is the dumbest shit ever
<Crispy`> so I created Twilight for Men.
<Crispy`> government scientist fused DNA with Hayden P. and Mila Kunis to create the hottest woman ever with big titties and a nice ass, and she's all over my dick but it turns out she's a pirate and I'm like "omg but I want to be a pirate" and she's all naked near me and shit and I'm like "you're the most perfect thing ever" ... See Moreand she's like "I know, now fuck me"
<Crispy`> and then all the sudden it turns out the government actually made someone else who was fused from the DNA of Kristen Bell and Elisha Cuthbert and she shows up and is like "what the fuck but I want your dick more." and I'm like "D:"
<Crispy`> and then the Kristen and Elisha fusion is like "OH AND IM A NINJA SHITYEAH" and I'm like "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK NINJAS VS PIRATE" and then this was my face when they were fighting a war near me " :O "
<Crispy`> with none of them wearing shirts oh and they all have super nice tits and are not fat at all and are the most perfect looking women ever and then they all want my dick so bad it's hard for me to choose and also whether I want to be a Ninja or Pirate it's a very tough decision.
#31900
<LuminuS> everything you like = gay
<SniperGuy> i like you LuminuS
Comment: irc.mikernet.org
#7604
<CellY> so yesterday the gay mailman who wears daisy dukes says to me
<CellY> "You get alot of packages, you must have discoverd ebay"
<CellY> I say no I discoverd state wide drug distribution rings
<pagan> LOL
<CellY> he just siad have a nice day
#9026
<Mr_Ed> I need to get a dishwasher.... but where the fuck will I find a whore like that
#9291
<jre> I wouldn't eat dolphin. I refuse to eat anything smarter than me. Which is why I abstain from broccoli.
<AmbushBug> I would love to only eat things smarter than me.
<AmbushBug> ...
<AmbushBug> I assume the silence is all of you standing agape at the opening i left for all of you.
<jre> Ambush: It's too predictible. We want originality in our comedy.
<jre> ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
#3510
<Demamas> RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR! *explodes*
<Nyphur> BAD! NO BONE FOR Demamas! BACK IN YOUR CAGE !!
*** Signoff: Demamas (Ping timeout)
<Nyphur> oops
<Nyphur> I forgot I left his cage off the server
#4077
<BombScare> i need to get my eyes lasered
<eldee> ditto.. 2k per eye though
<eldee> i'm saving my money for something i wont take for granted though :)
<enos> i don't trust that eye laser surgery yet
<enos> it'd be sweet tho to not need glasses or contacts
<BombScare> i have an aunt that had it done, she loves it
<BombScare> like 20 seconds and you can see
<eldee> BombScare: damn.. i dont even think jesus was that fast
<eldee> god bless america!
<eldee> or something
<BombScare> hah
#2802
<[_pitch_]> florida is shaped like a big droopy dick for a reason...
#46666
< tittyfuckosaurus> I love kidneys
< tittyfuckosaurus> not much else though, not liver or tripe or brains
< tittyfuckosaurus> or tongue
< tittyfuckosaurus> well, I like tongue, but only if it's applied to my penis
< bazzy> i'm the same with liver
#24600
<kak> Alereon you're a dumb fucking cunt thanks for your help i'm going to go commit suicide
<@Alereon> I love it when problems solve themselves!
#50745
<Philwelch> In my high school, I would print out the "this page is blocked" page that comes up when you run afoul of the content filter on the library computers, and post it next to the anti-censorship posters in the library.
<Philwelch> Long story made short, the library ultimately took down the anti-censorship posters.
#215554
conquistador: seriously i think i've seen atleast 25% of all the amateur lesbian porn in the world in the past 48hrs
conquistador: my dick isn't even chaffing anymore and if i robbed a bank they wouldn't get any prints
#1482
::: .signoff@7.55p> jadel (jadel@h24-70-154-3.wp.shawcable.net); User abortion with 5 coathooks
#52635
<@r0bby> you suck all of you
<+mite\> * [r0bby] +#gaygeeks #bimb0 @+#queers @#efnut #psychotic @#asexual #gaypeople +#M-a-t-h
<+mite\> apparently you do too
Comment: #efnut [at] efnet
#27207
* jdat sees some weed grow out of whiskers's ears
<whiskers> mmmm, weed
<whiskers> that'd be leet
<whiskers> but dangerous
<whiskers> people would wait for me in dark alleys to beat me up and shave my ears
#21935
<APE> HOLY SHIT
<iphopper> ?
<APE> oh never mind, its a gummy bear
<iphopper> ....
<APE> can never be too sure about those green cancerous moles
#55777
<Mike_H> I've been sitting outside smoking, and people will pass and do this pussy cough thing
<Dragonfly6-7> I cough through my mouth.
#295273
<%Friedrich_Engels> i'm fairly convinced a ghost did not steal your weed
#5699
<Thrash|Zzz> YAY HARRY POTTER ON DVD
<Khross{killme}> O_O
<Khross{killme}> I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY
<Khross{killme}> Oh wait I'm heterosexual.
#1527
<Geothermal> Jesus, I can only say so many things about fat people before they become redundant. I think it would help if they all flew to their own personal little island made of gumdrops and then ate themselves to the bottom of the sea like some kind of Atlantis. You know, only really fat.
#15319
<Hack4Kix> There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
<Hack4Kix> "You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."
<Hack4Kix> "I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."
<Hack4Kix> "Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
<Hack4Kix> "N, eh."
<Hack4Kix> "D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...
<Shao> g-eh
#277318
<dioz> god damn i need to shit
<dioz> woops
<dioz> does anyone else have the constant problem of typing into the wrong terminal?
* azn_jesus wonders what the right terminal for that was
#14662
<Funk> I need money fast.
<wildkarrdex> ok I have an idea
<Funk> What?
<wildkarrdex> well you send me £100 by cheque
<Funk> And then?
<wildkarrdex> and then what?
#22450
<Dark`Machine> man i hate when you're drinking milk
<Dark`Machine> and then you hafta spit
<Dark`Machine> and it looks like cum
<Dark`Machine> and it';s like "ew whose dick did i suck"
<Dark`Machine> then you remember you're drinking milk... :/
<RexExitium> have you ever sucked dick?
<RexExitium> im sorry if none of us can relate.
<Glorious> dude, that's beyond fucked up
<Dark`Machine> man's gotta pay the rent Rex :P
<Nicolai> O_o
<Glorious> ew
<Jennifer> yeah i hate that too Dark`Machine!
<Jennifer> erm
<Jennifer> never mind
<Dark`Machine> <mentalnote> never make comments regarding milk ever again, ever </mentalnote>
<Dark`Machine> right then, back to lurking
<Lassie> I hate it when you're sucking cock and it's like ewww and it looks like milk :(
#307637
<Knack> i've just had someone from newcastle trying to say 8 A A over the phone
<Knack> took about 5 attempts until i understood him
<ZoFreX> eight alpha alpha
<ZoFreX> what's the problem :P
<retrominge> Knack: eeeet, eeeee, eeeee?
<retrominge> :D
<Knack> sounded like he was saying hay hay hay
Comment: #reddit-uk