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#31557
<CanOfSpam> I spent my lunchbreak at work stealing my neighbor's wife, kicking his ass, and getting her pregnant.
<CanOfSpam> The Sims is the way to be!
<CanOfSpam> Im gonna nap for 2 hours and think about whether to show up at work.
<CanOfSpam> bbl
<emil^> cos - have fun!
<Glock21> You'll be sitting at your computer after days of insomnia... you're work habits will go to hell, your personal relationships will suffer, you'll go broke... and as you're sitting there in the middle of the night with a full bladder you suddenly realize that your sim has with a great deal of your own personal effort...
<Glock21> ...has a great job, a great house full of great stuff, a great girlfriend, plenty of sleep, a better computer than you, and is happier, healthier, and made it to the bathroom just fine because you suffer for him.
Comment: EFNet #politics
#51035
<Rjx> so guys
<Rjx> i gotta get my computer to the USA somehow
<Rjx> as cheap as possible
<GerbilWrk> wrap it up in a condom and swallow it
<Jimmothy> put it in a condom and swallow it
<Rjx> you two aren't allowed to talk anymore
#52170
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference.
#33584
(fleet21): Matteo, you appeal to everyone
(Matteo): I do?
(Tack): Especially the blind.
#2566
<timmo> if aol has ever taught me anything its the alt+ codes
<timmo> MACRO SKILLZ FO LYPHE
#66436
<Wax_on_whack_off> men, my roommate had a fierce seizure in the bathtub
<iris23> that's really sad to hear, did you help him? Is he okay now?
<Wax_on_whack_off> he helped me actually
<iris23> ?
<Wax_on_whack_off> I threw in my dirty clothes... they are clean now
<iris23> you utter bastard!!!! that's not funny!!! >:(
#3851
<shin_k> rez is great though
<shin_k> just because of how insane it is visually
<shin_k> and w/ a great sound system it will make you CRAP YOUR PANTS
<TURBOMEAT> I don't think I've flat out crapped my pants yet
<TURBOMEAT> but there may have been some subtle fecal leakage, yes
#40748
<NSA> I hate having sex...
-!- mode/#maddox [+l 94] by Q
<+amcrypt> Why?
<NSA> It's just not fun.
<+amcrypt> ^_________________^
<NSA> OH shit.
<NSA> Wrong window
<NSA> FUCK
<NSA> I thought this was #christian
<NSA> bash that and I will rip your face off
#6482
<funknut> I like my women like I like my coffee.
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?
#8801
<cognac> i've discovered some serious design flaws regarding the human body!
<cognac> you see, we got two or more of almost all body parts..
<cognac> like ears, eyes, arms, legs, fingers, toes ++
<cognac> however, for the things that we REALLY like to do, like eating and fucking, we're only equipped with one tool
<cognac> or perhaps my discovery is just the answer to why we like oral sex and why "american pie" was made?
#10793
<CrushWork> hes got that "im a barbarin caveman who eats snails and says ooga booga" style look to him
<Jed> "I'm a barbarian caveman that eats snails, says ooga booga and lays cable for a living"
#7866
<Danzo> damn big txt file
<Danzo> B I G <peaches>
* peaches watches notepad crash
<peaches> should've zipped it up
<Danzo> heh..story of my life =]
#204687
<VirtualHost> I fucking hate when homeless people stand around where cars are lined up, like left turn lanes and drive throughs
<Nurple> homeless people hate it when you stand around in your home
#58083
<Pryon> Why, when I type <ctrl>-d, does dbx say "use `exit'"?
<Pryon> Why not just exit, you stupid-ass program?
<kjdavies> Pryon: ^D is 'End of File' in UNIX
<kjdavies> in many shell-type programs (including FTP, psql, and SQL*Plus, in UNIX), ^D will end the session
<Pryon> kjdavies: Yes, I wanted to end the session. If dbx knows this, why does it tell me to do something else? It's just st00pid
<Pryon> It's like dbx wants you to use a safe word, and assumes you're just enjoying the pain when you say "stop now"
#34053
<+llamaInAbox> i have lint in my eye
<+llamaInAbox> this is not nice
<+ApEtc> Remove it
<+llamaInAbox> the eye?
<+ApEtc> Whichever stops your complaining
Comment: #distributed on Hashmark
#4097
<[ric]> pfft... oh, well when I am dead my gravestone will simply read.. http://www.geekissues.org/quotes/?search=%5Bric%5D
#309350
<Proview_> freshman year of college, i'm like... oh, yeah, im going to try and be leet and install gentoo. try loading it frmo a flash drive, 20 minutes later, my HDD was erased, my external 2 TB drive was erased, AND THE FLASH DRIVE gentoo came on was erased
<Proview_> i had to email all of my professors and tell them "i tried installing gentoo and now i have nothing left. my work will be late"
<Proview_> my comp sci professors just responded with "understandable"
#9526
<MadMax> press the Alt key.
<MadMax> Once.
<MadMax> press the left arrow key
<MadMax> Once
<MadMax> press the down arrow key
<MadMax> then you should get a list...
<MadMax> ?
<MadMax> that works for me at least..
<Altariel> that takes me into the tools menu
<MadMax> which left are you going 8p
<Altariel> oh fuck
#48194
<Eviscero> so i made a new girlfriend.
<+eggburt> but then she melted?
#310271
< nokocode> is there a help channel available?
< Master_Lyon> this is the help channel
< Master_Lyon> for c++
< Master_Lyon> there is also ##c++-general and ##c++-social
< pakcjo> no ##c++-haters? :( so sad
< kalven> pakcjo: this channel doubles as that
Comment: freenode ##c++
#16285
* KnacK is busy studying for his urine test
* Fembot notes Knack failed his last test -- he kept peeking @ the guy beside him.
#50144
<No> I'm in a class teaching PERL. We're supposed to be looking up information about it. Someone say something vaguely related to it so I can justify being on here.
<Elantios> PERL sucks
<No> That'll do.
#6486
<wmf> AaronSw: what did I tell you about Stallman?
<AaronSw> not to have sex with him?
#1248
<sara:#i386> - o we reserve the right to be assholes when we've had a bad day.
#42848
<Workdae> i have the most hilarious issue i just picked up
<Workdae> and i can say it without compromising details, and it'd still be hilarious
<Workdae> i'm not sure where this customer got this command, or who told him it'd update his server...but he ran this command thinking it'd update his server:
<Workdae> dd if=/dev/random of=/dev/hda bs=1M
<Workdae> (if you value your data and you run linux, don't test it to find out what it does)
<Workdae> anyway, he put in the ticket that the server had been updating for a while, and that now he can't connect to it